script:

NARRATOR: America will never forget the day it lost its balls. It was the summer of ‘06 when Planters dropped Cheez Balls from its lineup. The streets erupted in violence as every man, woman, and child fought to get their hands on the last balls on Earth -

POLICE LOUDSPEAKER: MA’AM, DROP THE BALLS AND UNHAND THE CHILD!!

NARRATOR: Our people rallied in protest ...

PROTESTERS: NO CHEEZBALLS, NO PEACE! NO CHEEZBALLS, NO PEACE!

NARRATOR: ...and after more than a decade of resistance, Planter’s finally listened. That’s right, America - we got our balls back. Available for a limited time. Get your hands on some balls, before they’re gone forever...again.  

CW: Burk Smyth
CW: Amanda Winch

previous thing                                                                                                                                                                            next thing